My unexpected birthday gift ...

The day after my 34th birthday I tested and got a BFP :) I find myself reluctant to be overly excited due to our 1st loss but pray every day that this is our sticky baby. With every day that passes, my hopes increase that it is. My thought pattern has been so wonky since my BFP. I don't want to 'jinx' anything. Like the other day, I bought this shirt to announce our pregnancy to the in-laws ....

The mere purchase of the onesie made me worry that we were tempting fate. My husband is more 'live in the moment' and seems to be able to relax a little more than me. I'm trying to adapt some of his laid back attitude. But I still worry everytime I go to the bathroom that I'll see spotting ... like last time.

But for today I am pregnant and I am excited and extremely, extremely thankful.

Sushi woes ...

Who knew there was gluten in soy sauce!!!???? Not me. Whoops ... Looks like I need to find a gluten-free version because I can NOT go without my sushi. The only thing I'm giving up sushi for is a baby!

Day 3 - Gluten Free

It's been 3 days ... and I want a sandwich. And cake for dessert. I forgot how hard this was. Right now I'm missing my morning toast with peanut butter the most. Granola bars ... a close 2nd. I know I can buy gluten free granola bars but they are soooo expensive!!! I will probably cave and purchase some eventually but I'm waiting to speak to a co-worker who has been GF for a long time and see if she can recommend some gluten free products. I know some are better than others.


I did purchase a mix for gluten free bread/pizza dough. I absolutely love, love pizza and I'm hoping the mix will be okay.


A friend of mine also brought over gluten free chocolate chip cookies. Surprisingly yummy! They reminded me of a sugar cookie. I need to break out my camera to take some photos of the products. This photo is from the manufacturer's website ... The company is called El Peto and they are based in Ontario (http://www.elpato.com). I think I'll be purchasing more product from them.

Gluten-free .... me?

I'm signing up ... to go gluten-free that is. I need you to realize how big of a deal this is for me. This girl LOVES her pasta. And her bread. But sometimes in life you have to sacrifice. Let me explain.

I have recently been reading info about gluten sensitivities affecting fertility. I have IBS and eczema. Both are thought to be influenced by gluten. I actually went gluten and dairy free for a summer when I was 23. What a difference. So now I'm wondering if my body needs me to do it again. If my body is in a constant state of inflammation secondary to a gluten sensitivity - then this is not the most welcoming place for a pregnancy to begin and thrive. So to give my body it's best shot - I've decided to try it.

It's going to be tough. I usually start my day off with toast and PB, followed by a granola bar for a 10am snack. I need to completely change my habits. But I'm willing to do anything if it means I will be able to have a baby. Keeping my eye on the prize ;0).

Wish me luck!!! And throw your suggestions my way!

Rain

It has been raining here for 6 days straight. People are getting soaked, streets are flooding, basements are turning into swimming pools. And me? I'm getting depressed.

Struggling with infertility is hard. Often I find myself 'faking it'. And no ... not bedroom related 'faking it' ... but mood 'faking it'. I pretend I'm happy. What else am I supposed to do? Tell people how sad I feel a lot of the time? How i love my life but sometimes feel like there's something missing in my house? I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed .. but there are a lot of days that I am sad. Like today. When the cramps in my stomach are a constant reminder that I am indeed NOT pregnant.

Being sad is okay I think. As long as you can recognize it and not let it engulf you. But to be honest ... I need a little sun in my life to help push the sadness away.

I do.

A year ago today I said "I do" to my husband in front of all our family & friends. Today I told him "I still do"

I do.

Such simple, but strong words.

I do promise to be your wife.

I do promise to be there in good times and in bad.

I do love you for everything you are and for everything you aspire to be.

I do love you more than I thought possible.

I do think we make a pretty rockin' couple :)

I do love how you make me laugh everyday.

I do thank you for making this year so amazing, especially in light of all we've been through.

I do promise to hold your heart safe and close to mine. Forever. Always.

I do.

Loss

Six days ago, I was pregnant. Four days later, I was not. Technically this is termed a 'chemical pregnancy'. But to me I lost my baby. A baby my husband and I so desperately want. A baby that took us almost a year to conceive. I had 4 days of euphoria, followed by days of such sadness that all I want to do is sleep. My husband has been so amazing and I have found therapy in his loving arms and have medicated myself with my puppy's kisses and cuddles. I have also found support from my friends on TheBump, who were so excited for my 'BFP' and have sent such lovely notes to me. Some of them, unfortunately, have lived the same experience. Through them I know I will mend. But for now I still feel pretty broken.

Namaste

Today I did something I haven't done in a long time. I went to yoga. I haven't done it in years. I substituted it for running. I was that pompous runner who felt that running was the only true form of exercise. Why walk when you can run? That was my motto. But then I hurt my hip.

Turns out running didn't love my body as much as my body loved running. I sustained an injury -- a torn labrum in my right hip. No more running for me. I need to do something though. So I turned back to yoga. And I'm wondering why I ever left.

It is so rejuvenating. I love the feel of my muscles stretching, the feeling of stress leaving my body as I breathe. Sure it's not the same feeling I got when I had Lady Gaga blaring on my iPOD and I was taking a challenging hill. But it's a good feeling. A peaceful feeling. As I get more and more frustrated with my TTC journey - it's a centered feeling I feel that I need.

And who knows .... maybe someday I'll be able to do this ....

A new hope!

Many people don't really know what a nurse does. Most people think all we do is wipe bums and put people on bedpans. Being in cancer care, most of my patients are self-sufficient and I don't go anywhere near their bums. I'm sure they're thankful for this as much as I am. One thing I do that would surprise many (as I see my patients and their families are surprised when they find out) is bone marrow transplants.

The mere word 'transplant' makes you think the procedure is very complicated and the doctor would have to do it. But to be honest, it's very similar to a blood or platelet transfusion, is done at the bedside and is done by your nurse. The doctor is only present for autologous transplants, where the patients gets their own cells back, and that's because of the preservative present in the cells.

I always feel very honored to be the person to give someone their stem cells. It's giving them new life, new hope. Hope for a cancer free future. Hope to live to see their grandchild be born. Hope to live to graduate high school. Hope to see another Christmas. Hope for so many things. And I am a part of it.

I won't lie. Even after all this time the transplant process chokes me up. Usually there's many family members present, pics are being taken. It's a big deal. I spike the cells and although my patients don't know, I say a little prayer for them as I begin to infuse their cells. I only let myself feel good vibes and positive thoughts.

So the next time you think of what a nurse does, maybe you'll realize that we do a lot more than people realize. We help give people new life. New hope.

Man I love my job .....

Breaking Points

This week I have hit a breaking point. Well 2 actually. A breaking point in my TTC (trying to conceive) journey and a breaking point in my weight gain. With respect to TTC --- my husband and I have been trying for many months now. Our one year anniversary is fast approaching at which time we will see a specialist. For the last number of months I have been charting (for those of you interested go to FertilityFriend.com) and using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits). Still, nothing is working. I feel TTC has started to overwhelm me. I had a little emotional breakdown with my husband the other day, so we both decided to scale back our efforts for the moment. No more thermometer, no more ovulation strips. Just me & him. Trying to enjoy the last couple of months of our first year of marriage. We'll deal more with TTC after seeing the specialist. That was my first breaking point.

Then came my weight. I'm getting so tired of waking up and having absolutely nothing to wear. Tired of feeling awkward in my own skin. So I decided to count Weight Watcher points again. This time I'm doing something a little different though. I'm getting my whole family in on it! We have a little weight loss challenge going on. A friendly little wager. We are doing weekly weigh-ins similar to the Biggest Loser and whoever has the largest % weight loss in the end, wins the prize money. First week went well. I lost 4.6 pounds!! Being a very competitive person is helping me this time.

So I'm shifting my focus from one thing to another. I feel good about it. I'm still sad and frustrated that it seems so hard for us to get pregnant. But it is what it is. I'm leaving it in God's hands for now. I'm going to focus on getting myself healthier, emotionally and physically. The rest will fall into place.

The Gym

I was supposed to go to the gym today. And yesterday. And the day before that. But here's the thing --- I'm a master of excuses. I can think of (seemingly) valid reasons why I couldn't possibly go to the gym. Mainly it's 'I'm too busy' followed up with "I'm too tired". Let's not forget the frequently used "I don't have time" or I even sometimes think "I'll just eat less". I see them for what they're worth. Excuses.

But still here I sit. Getting fatter. Lazier. I do feel more tired than ever. And I know it's because I don't get any physical activity. In my head I know exactly what I need to do. Eat less & move more. But I keep eating. And gaining. I think part of me does it because similar to an alcoholic I think, 'I can stop anytime'. But this is obviously not true. I am miserable. I. Am. Miserable. What is it going to take?

Life Without Her

I grew up with a special someone in my home. My mother's aunt Threasa. She was deprived of oxygen at birth and subsequently had severe mental delays. She functioned at the capacity of a 5 year old for the most part. She loved coloring, teddy bears and playing with children. I remember as a teenager I would get annoyed with her. But as we grew up she was like our little sister. She was a permanent fixture in our life. Then she got cancer.

I remember the phone call with my mom. Threasa had not been feeling well and they took her to a specialist's appointment. Her GP kept saying it was UTIs. We all knew there was something more. She was not herself. Not eating. Losing weight and strength. My mom told me as I was on the train from Toronto to Windsor to visit good friends. It was cancer. Inoperable, untreatable cancer. It looks like it started in the bowel and was now engulfing the liver. They estimated weeks to months for her life.

I was devastated. I went to the bathroom and cried and cried. Thankful that the train was loud and people couldn't hear me. But I'm sure they saw it on my face as I walked back to my seat. I was losing my 'little' sister. And not only was I not at home, I was heading further away. My visit with my friend was short. I didn't feel like partying or celebrating. I wanted to be home with my family in Cape Breton. I got home to Toronto on Sunday. Threasa had stopped peeing. As a nursing student I knew this was bad. I booked a flight and got home late Monday night. My father picked me up at the airport and we drove home with my brother. Threasa was still awake when I got home. Her voice was weak and she was in bed. But she said to me, 'Shauna, you came home to take care of me.' And I choked on my words. But I said, "Yes. Yes I did". And I did.

We kept vigil at her bedside until Thursday morning at just after 6 in the morning when she died in her own bed, surrounded by her teddy bears. I was graduating from nursing that year and was familiar with what had to be done. I could give her medication through her butterfly once she could no longer swallow. I was happy that I could do this for her. For my mom. We knew that Threasa would be to terrified to be in the hospital.

It has been 5 years now. And I still miss her. She never got to meet my husband. Never knew that the child my sister was carrying when Threasa died was indeed a girl, as Threasa said it was. But I have faith that she somehow sees us. Or feels us. Loving her from a far.

Good question ....

It never fails. Whenever someone finds out what I do they inevitably ask, "Why did you want to be a nurse?". 'Good question' is usually what I end up saying. But the truth is - sometimes I sit back and wonder myself how I ended up here. Why did I chose a job that would make me witness to some of the saddest, most horrific moments of a person's life? A job that requires me to do shiftwork, which research shows shortens a person's lifespan? A job that requires me to handle medications, such as chemo, that if I get too much on me, could give me cancer? Good question.

I didn't always want to be a nurse. Up until I was 14 I wanted to be a teacher. An elementary school teacher. Then my grandfather had a stroke. I spent that whole summer visiting him. Everyday my mom and I would head over to see him. I fell in love with the hospital. Sounds weird I know. But I really did. I was fascinated with the equipment. I was amazed at how the doctors and nurses cared for the patients around me. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to be a doctor.

I could go on for awhile about why I'm not a doctor. But the short version is - I didn't get in. I applied to medical school a couple of times, interviewed, got short listed and then didn't get in. Don't feel bad for me. Please. I truly believe things in life happen for a reason. I wasn't meant to be a doctor. I was meant to be a nurse. You see doctors are removed from patients. Nurses are side by side. Taking every step with the patient. We're the ones applying the cold facecloth on the febrile patient. The one holding the hand of the crying, fearful patient. The one hugging the husband who just lost his wife of 66 years. My life directed me to nursing for a reason. To be there for others. Cheesy? I know it is. But it's true.

So here I sit on a nightshift - shortening my lifespan. But hopefully I'm also making a difference in a few people's lives at the same time.

Kindergarten Graduation

My niece is 4 years old going on 20. She graduated from Kindergarten. Next year she goes to 'big school'. She was so excited on her graduation day. She planned her own party, mirroring it from her brother's first communion just a few weeks ago. She even sent my sister to change her shoes because they weren't as fancy as the ones she wore to the first communion. Hilarious. This girl knows her shoes.

Seeing all the kids at the graduation made me think of being a kid. They are so innocent. So carefree. No bills. No debt. No work. Just a little bit of school and a lot of play. Would I want to go back and grow up all over again? Not so much. Too many bumps along the way. Heartache that I barely survived the first time around. No, I'm quite content being 33 and married to my best friend. Life is good. Besides ... we can all be kids once in awhile. Especially when you're married to my hubby ... the biggest kid around.

So what exactly did they do before TV?

My husband and I decided to disconnect our cable. We decided to do this for many reasons. One of the reasons of course is cost. It seems that you can’t get a simple TV package anymore. With us trying to plan a family we decided we should cut corners wherever we could. Another reason was how often we watched TV. I certainly watch more than him. With shift work I’m often at home, by myself, during the days. How could I not get sucked into The View, General Hospital, and everything on TLC??? And our evenings were often spent in front of the boob-tube. With our waists ever expanding, our wallets ever depleting and our minds being bombarded with mindless reality shows, we decided to cut the cable.

So here I am on Day 3 of no cable and the worst of the worst has happened. My internet is down. I’m actually composing this on Microsoft Word and will cut and paste when it’s back up and running. The guy from Bell is here now trying to fix it. With no TV AND no cable – you’d think I’d be pretty productive. Right? Well .... let’s just say I now realize I procrastinate with anything. Leafing through a Women’s Health magazine took a large part of the morning. I did however make homemade rolls for the hubby. And I did the dishes. Can I add showered to my list?

Mostly I’ve just been sitting in the silence. To be honest, it’s not that bad. I do enjoy the quiet. Although a little background music would be nice. Maybe I’ll break out the mp3 player and the speakers.

So we’ll see how this great cable-free experiment goes. We’re going to try and do it all summer and connect again when the new shows arrive in the fall. But who knows, maybe life without TV will get interesting??? They did seem to have a lot more kids back in the day ;-)

Acupuncture & Gua Sha

I've been seeing an acupuncturist. She's amazing. I originally went because a friend of mine told me that she has a great reputation for helping those TTC. I thought it was worth a try. And I'm glad I went. As she explained on my first visit, she doesn't start by focusing on the reproductive organs. She needs to get my body balanced as a whole first, and then she can work on individual systems. The first 2 sessions were focused on over-all balancing. What a difference! I leave each session feeling so much more relaxed!

In addition to the acupuncture she also used a technique called Gua Sha. I knew nothing about it before my appointment. Here's a link to explain the technique - http://www.guasha.com/. I wish I had taken a photo of my back after the session. It was so bruised! My husband couldn't believe it. It looked like someone had whipped me many, many times. Although my acupuncturist said it wouldn't hurt after, I did find my back to be very tender. I think the technique is very interesting and probably works for some - but I didn't feel as good after that session and I think I'll stick to acupuncture.

On my last visit she stuck one of the needles in my left calf. It hurt. A lot. Usually I don't even feel the needles. When I commented on it she said,"That's for baby-making". I had to laugh. So hopefully my balance will become better aligned and the stars will align and whatever else has to happen will happen (ie. sperm meets egg!!) and we will end up with a BFP this cycle!

Fingers crossed!

A baby is being born today!

I know it happens every single day - but today it's my good friend who is becoming a mom. She has a scheduled c-section, a couple of weeks early, because her amniotic fluid is getting very low and the baby is breech. I think it's impacting me so much because I am also TTC (trying to conceive). I now realize how amazing and miraculous life really is. Each baby born is a miracle. I can not wait to meet this little one. We don't know yet if it's a boy or a girl but we do know it will be loved so much. It already is.

Best of luck K! I'm thinking of you! xo

Time to get serious

I stood on the bathroom scale today.

It was not good.

162.8 lbs. I need to put that down in black & white. Confront myself with it. Make myself realize that indeed it is true. I am back to the weight I was when I first joined Weight Watchers in Sept of 2004. At that time I joined because I was depressed. I had broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years and I was in a city where I knew no one. I thought if I could control nothing else, I could control what I put in my mouth. So I joined WW and by March of 2005 I had lost 30 lbs! I remember being so happy. For the first time in my life I loved the way I looked. I loved buying clothes. I loved getting dressed in the morning and getting ready for a night out. It didn't matter what I threw on, it all fit. It all looked good.

Now here I am. Back to square one. I always say, "I'll start Monday", "I'll start tomorrow", "I'll start after :insert celebration:" .... but this is it. A random Tuesday. And I start today.

I need to gain control of my life again. My husband and I are trying for a baby. Five months later and it hasn't happened. Maybe my body is telling me it's not ready. It's too unhealthy. Maybe that needs to be my focus first. And so it will be. Weight loss will now be my focus.

And here I go ......

Being sick sucks ...

So I started feeling crappy yesterday with a sore throat. Now it's all in my head. Sinus pressure! And disgusting post-nasal drip. Sorry if TMI ... but I'm a whiner. I've been spending the day with my pals on 'The Bump' ... catching up with some of them on their blogs. Which reminded me that I haven't updated mine in forever!! So here goes ...

Life is good. We are still trying for Baby L. It's starting to get very stressful. I'm trying to 'give it time' (quote Mom) but am starting to think I might approach my doctor before the year mark to get testing done. Maybe that's impatient. But what's the harm?

In the meantime I'm supposed to be watching what I eat and exercising. Lol ... grade F in both categories. Lots of events in the last little bit. Family gatherings always mean copious amounts of food and usually my childhood favorites! My arthritis has been acting up as well so exercise has been non-existent. So the 10K I signed up for at the end of May will be a challenge!!! I keep saying every month I get a BFN is another opportunity for me to lose some weight. Annnndddd then I don't do anything. I should get my butt is gear. Right after this head cold clears up .... for now I'm going to drown it in ice cream ..... mmmm.

try, fail, try again

so i had a stint of 2 weeks where i ate clean and went to the gym with the hubby almost every day. it felt sooooo good! both of us noticed a change of how we felt and even how the clothes fit. but here i sit just having finished off the leftovers from last nights take-out chinese food. and trust me - there were a lot of leftovers. not because we didn't eat much last night but because this place gives MASSIVE portions. so why give up again? and i say give up because isn't that what i'm doing?

so today i registered myself and the hubby for a 10KM race scheduled for the end of May. it has a $55 non-refundable fee so we are now committed. i'm hoping this will provide some motivation to move more, eat less.

Teenagers make it look so easy ....

My friend told me a story the other day. She was at a clinic waiting to get some routine bloodwork drawn. She couldn't help overhearing a conversation that was going on behind her between 3 teenagers. She guessed them to be 14 or 15. One of the girls was panicking because she was afraid the lab would call her parents with the results of her bloodwork. She was there for bloodwork because she thought she was pregnant. Obviously she knew what the bloodwork would show. The accuracy of those at home tests are pretty good. My friend telling me this story brought up some strong emotions.

I blurted out, "My God - teenagers make getting pregnant so easy!!!!". My friend agreed. And it's TRUE! I have so many friends trying to conceive but having no luck. And then there's me. I had a large teratoma removed from my right ovary last January. There is also a small one on my left ovary but they did not remove it, hoping to lessen the impact on my fertility. So here I sit with a scarred up right ovary and a bum left ovary. And questionable ability to procreate.

It's funny (and I'm sure many women can relate). For the majority of your life you try and prevent pregnancy. You hold your breath for each period to come and sigh with relief when it does. Then you meet the man you love and everything seems perfect. You decide it's time. And it turns out it's not as easy as teenagers make it look. Now rather than sighing with relief, your cursing each time your monthly 'gift' appears (to steal from the horrible Tampax commercials). And each passing month becomes more frustrating. And then you get frustrated with yourself because you know the worst thing you can do is be stressed about it! Oh the craziness .....

I wonder what happened with that young teenage girl who didn't get to sigh with relief. I hope that she has supportive parents. I hope she can see that maybe the best thing she can do for herself and that baby is to consider adoption --- for all of those who struggle.

Waiting for my shoe

I've mentioned before that I'm an oncology nurse. Prior to oncology I worked on a medicine floor. On the medicine floor it seemed easier to displace myself from what was happening to my patients. For example, I knew I wouldn't be the person in the bed, ventilated and barely alive with COPD because I didn't smoke. I didn't have diabetes so I wouldn't be the person with the necrotic feet. But now in oncology it's not so easy to say that. I could easily be the healthy, strong, active 33 year old just diagnosed with leukemia. The majority of my patients have no previous medical history. They "just" have cancer. That could so easily be myself or those I love. Cancer has no prejudices. It affects all ages & races.

It is for this reason that I sometimes feel uneasy and anxious. Sometimes I can't even pinpoint why I feel anxious. But then I realize, it's because I'm waiting for my other shoe to drop. All of my patients and their families were just going along, living their life. And then the shoe fell. Boom. Cancer. So what prevents a shoe from dropping on me? I had this discussion with a co-worker/friend of mine the other day. I was worried that I was the only one who felt like this. But she feels the same way.

Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this job. I should go to an eye clinic or to dermatology. Something less emotional. But I LOVE my job. I love working with my patients and their families. I enjoy helping them deal with the fallen shoe. I know that someday however I may have to leave oncology. Or at least take a break from it to re-energize myself. But until then I will keep dodging shoes.

Fortunate

Yesterday my husband and I went grocery shopping. Something we both enjoy doing - except the paying and putting away part. But last night as I was walking up and down the endless aisles of food I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I don't know why it happened at that particular moment but I began thinking of Haiti. This country has recently suffered such horrific distruction from an earthquake which has left more than 150,000 people dead and countless injured. The country is in ruins. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that this can be happening somewhere in the world at the same time you are deciding which type of yogurt to buy. How did I end up so fortunate to live where I do? To have the means to go grocery shopping? I guess the key is to share your fortune. Please do.

Puppy Love

I'm sitting here watching 'Ellen' (love her!) with my puppy (who really isn't a puppy at 18 months) cuddled under a blanket, snuggled into my lap. How can life get much better really?? If you had asked me what my life would like in 2010 back in 2005 - I would not have thought it would be like this - but this would be just what I wanted. Happily married to my best friend, who makes me laugh and feel special everyday, an awesome little boston bulldog who gives so much unconditional love (although also gives a lot of smelly farts - as per the one I'm smelling right now) and living close to all my family members. Life is good.

Of course I'm not a complete ball of sunshine. There's always something. And this being the middle of January it's something that's on the mind of most people. Since my wedding on October 10th I have managed to gain almost 15 pounds. Now come on ... you have to WORK to make that happen. A mere 90 days ago I was much smaller and enjoyed getting dressed in the morning because everything fit. Oprah always touts that we eat because of another reason. But for the life of me I can't figure out what my reason is!!!!! What's my reason! As mentioned in the first paragraph I love my life. My home life, my work life, my social life. I couldn't be happier. So why do I eat???? I feel like I eat because I love the taste of food. Honestly.

I love ice cream. I love chocolate. I love pasta. This is why I eat. So here I find myself once again - trying to lose weight and get back in shape. And from the overcrowded gym that I visited yesterday (for the first time since 2 days before the wedding -92 days ago!) I sense that I'm not alone in this quest. Perhaps this blog will help keep me accountable. Feel free to suggest ways to keep me on track.

As for now I'm going to have to push this sleeping, cuddly puppy of my lap and go attempt to make a healthy, nutritious yet yummy supper for my handsome husband before he gets home from work.

Maybe I'll cuddle just a little bit longer and hope for traffic??? ...... :)