Teenagers make it look so easy ....

My friend told me a story the other day. She was at a clinic waiting to get some routine bloodwork drawn. She couldn't help overhearing a conversation that was going on behind her between 3 teenagers. She guessed them to be 14 or 15. One of the girls was panicking because she was afraid the lab would call her parents with the results of her bloodwork. She was there for bloodwork because she thought she was pregnant. Obviously she knew what the bloodwork would show. The accuracy of those at home tests are pretty good. My friend telling me this story brought up some strong emotions.

I blurted out, "My God - teenagers make getting pregnant so easy!!!!". My friend agreed. And it's TRUE! I have so many friends trying to conceive but having no luck. And then there's me. I had a large teratoma removed from my right ovary last January. There is also a small one on my left ovary but they did not remove it, hoping to lessen the impact on my fertility. So here I sit with a scarred up right ovary and a bum left ovary. And questionable ability to procreate.

It's funny (and I'm sure many women can relate). For the majority of your life you try and prevent pregnancy. You hold your breath for each period to come and sigh with relief when it does. Then you meet the man you love and everything seems perfect. You decide it's time. And it turns out it's not as easy as teenagers make it look. Now rather than sighing with relief, your cursing each time your monthly 'gift' appears (to steal from the horrible Tampax commercials). And each passing month becomes more frustrating. And then you get frustrated with yourself because you know the worst thing you can do is be stressed about it! Oh the craziness .....

I wonder what happened with that young teenage girl who didn't get to sigh with relief. I hope that she has supportive parents. I hope she can see that maybe the best thing she can do for herself and that baby is to consider adoption --- for all of those who struggle.

Waiting for my shoe

I've mentioned before that I'm an oncology nurse. Prior to oncology I worked on a medicine floor. On the medicine floor it seemed easier to displace myself from what was happening to my patients. For example, I knew I wouldn't be the person in the bed, ventilated and barely alive with COPD because I didn't smoke. I didn't have diabetes so I wouldn't be the person with the necrotic feet. But now in oncology it's not so easy to say that. I could easily be the healthy, strong, active 33 year old just diagnosed with leukemia. The majority of my patients have no previous medical history. They "just" have cancer. That could so easily be myself or those I love. Cancer has no prejudices. It affects all ages & races.

It is for this reason that I sometimes feel uneasy and anxious. Sometimes I can't even pinpoint why I feel anxious. But then I realize, it's because I'm waiting for my other shoe to drop. All of my patients and their families were just going along, living their life. And then the shoe fell. Boom. Cancer. So what prevents a shoe from dropping on me? I had this discussion with a co-worker/friend of mine the other day. I was worried that I was the only one who felt like this. But she feels the same way.

Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this job. I should go to an eye clinic or to dermatology. Something less emotional. But I LOVE my job. I love working with my patients and their families. I enjoy helping them deal with the fallen shoe. I know that someday however I may have to leave oncology. Or at least take a break from it to re-energize myself. But until then I will keep dodging shoes.

Fortunate

Yesterday my husband and I went grocery shopping. Something we both enjoy doing - except the paying and putting away part. But last night as I was walking up and down the endless aisles of food I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I don't know why it happened at that particular moment but I began thinking of Haiti. This country has recently suffered such horrific distruction from an earthquake which has left more than 150,000 people dead and countless injured. The country is in ruins. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that this can be happening somewhere in the world at the same time you are deciding which type of yogurt to buy. How did I end up so fortunate to live where I do? To have the means to go grocery shopping? I guess the key is to share your fortune. Please do.

Puppy Love

I'm sitting here watching 'Ellen' (love her!) with my puppy (who really isn't a puppy at 18 months) cuddled under a blanket, snuggled into my lap. How can life get much better really?? If you had asked me what my life would like in 2010 back in 2005 - I would not have thought it would be like this - but this would be just what I wanted. Happily married to my best friend, who makes me laugh and feel special everyday, an awesome little boston bulldog who gives so much unconditional love (although also gives a lot of smelly farts - as per the one I'm smelling right now) and living close to all my family members. Life is good.

Of course I'm not a complete ball of sunshine. There's always something. And this being the middle of January it's something that's on the mind of most people. Since my wedding on October 10th I have managed to gain almost 15 pounds. Now come on ... you have to WORK to make that happen. A mere 90 days ago I was much smaller and enjoyed getting dressed in the morning because everything fit. Oprah always touts that we eat because of another reason. But for the life of me I can't figure out what my reason is!!!!! What's my reason! As mentioned in the first paragraph I love my life. My home life, my work life, my social life. I couldn't be happier. So why do I eat???? I feel like I eat because I love the taste of food. Honestly.

I love ice cream. I love chocolate. I love pasta. This is why I eat. So here I find myself once again - trying to lose weight and get back in shape. And from the overcrowded gym that I visited yesterday (for the first time since 2 days before the wedding -92 days ago!) I sense that I'm not alone in this quest. Perhaps this blog will help keep me accountable. Feel free to suggest ways to keep me on track.

As for now I'm going to have to push this sleeping, cuddly puppy of my lap and go attempt to make a healthy, nutritious yet yummy supper for my handsome husband before he gets home from work.

Maybe I'll cuddle just a little bit longer and hope for traffic??? ...... :)