My unexpected birthday gift ...

The day after my 34th birthday I tested and got a BFP :) I find myself reluctant to be overly excited due to our 1st loss but pray every day that this is our sticky baby. With every day that passes, my hopes increase that it is. My thought pattern has been so wonky since my BFP. I don't want to 'jinx' anything. Like the other day, I bought this shirt to announce our pregnancy to the in-laws ....

The mere purchase of the onesie made me worry that we were tempting fate. My husband is more 'live in the moment' and seems to be able to relax a little more than me. I'm trying to adapt some of his laid back attitude. But I still worry everytime I go to the bathroom that I'll see spotting ... like last time.

But for today I am pregnant and I am excited and extremely, extremely thankful.

Sushi woes ...

Who knew there was gluten in soy sauce!!!???? Not me. Whoops ... Looks like I need to find a gluten-free version because I can NOT go without my sushi. The only thing I'm giving up sushi for is a baby!

Day 3 - Gluten Free

It's been 3 days ... and I want a sandwich. And cake for dessert. I forgot how hard this was. Right now I'm missing my morning toast with peanut butter the most. Granola bars ... a close 2nd. I know I can buy gluten free granola bars but they are soooo expensive!!! I will probably cave and purchase some eventually but I'm waiting to speak to a co-worker who has been GF for a long time and see if she can recommend some gluten free products. I know some are better than others.


I did purchase a mix for gluten free bread/pizza dough. I absolutely love, love pizza and I'm hoping the mix will be okay.


A friend of mine also brought over gluten free chocolate chip cookies. Surprisingly yummy! They reminded me of a sugar cookie. I need to break out my camera to take some photos of the products. This photo is from the manufacturer's website ... The company is called El Peto and they are based in Ontario (http://www.elpato.com). I think I'll be purchasing more product from them.

Gluten-free .... me?

I'm signing up ... to go gluten-free that is. I need you to realize how big of a deal this is for me. This girl LOVES her pasta. And her bread. But sometimes in life you have to sacrifice. Let me explain.

I have recently been reading info about gluten sensitivities affecting fertility. I have IBS and eczema. Both are thought to be influenced by gluten. I actually went gluten and dairy free for a summer when I was 23. What a difference. So now I'm wondering if my body needs me to do it again. If my body is in a constant state of inflammation secondary to a gluten sensitivity - then this is not the most welcoming place for a pregnancy to begin and thrive. So to give my body it's best shot - I've decided to try it.

It's going to be tough. I usually start my day off with toast and PB, followed by a granola bar for a 10am snack. I need to completely change my habits. But I'm willing to do anything if it means I will be able to have a baby. Keeping my eye on the prize ;0).

Wish me luck!!! And throw your suggestions my way!

Rain

It has been raining here for 6 days straight. People are getting soaked, streets are flooding, basements are turning into swimming pools. And me? I'm getting depressed.

Struggling with infertility is hard. Often I find myself 'faking it'. And no ... not bedroom related 'faking it' ... but mood 'faking it'. I pretend I'm happy. What else am I supposed to do? Tell people how sad I feel a lot of the time? How i love my life but sometimes feel like there's something missing in my house? I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed .. but there are a lot of days that I am sad. Like today. When the cramps in my stomach are a constant reminder that I am indeed NOT pregnant.

Being sad is okay I think. As long as you can recognize it and not let it engulf you. But to be honest ... I need a little sun in my life to help push the sadness away.

I do.

A year ago today I said "I do" to my husband in front of all our family & friends. Today I told him "I still do"

I do.

Such simple, but strong words.

I do promise to be your wife.

I do promise to be there in good times and in bad.

I do love you for everything you are and for everything you aspire to be.

I do love you more than I thought possible.

I do think we make a pretty rockin' couple :)

I do love how you make me laugh everyday.

I do thank you for making this year so amazing, especially in light of all we've been through.

I do promise to hold your heart safe and close to mine. Forever. Always.

I do.

Loss

Six days ago, I was pregnant. Four days later, I was not. Technically this is termed a 'chemical pregnancy'. But to me I lost my baby. A baby my husband and I so desperately want. A baby that took us almost a year to conceive. I had 4 days of euphoria, followed by days of such sadness that all I want to do is sleep. My husband has been so amazing and I have found therapy in his loving arms and have medicated myself with my puppy's kisses and cuddles. I have also found support from my friends on TheBump, who were so excited for my 'BFP' and have sent such lovely notes to me. Some of them, unfortunately, have lived the same experience. Through them I know I will mend. But for now I still feel pretty broken.