And we have a heartbeat ...

I was lucky to have an early ultrasound last week (unlucky to have it because of severe pain due to cysts but lucky all the same). Brian was right beside me during the ultrasound and we both witnessed the most beautiful sight .... the tiny flicker of our baby's heart. Incredible. Tears immediately poured from my eyes and I turned to Brian ... "Can you see it!??" ... but from the look on his face I already knew he could. Pure happiness was in that room that day. Happiness, extreme relief and overwhelming gratefulness for being able to share such a beautiful moment.

I have complained a lot about my cysts causing me problems ... but I thank them for last week for getting me an early ultrasound!!! :)

When will the calm come???

I sit here 8w1d pregnant and still so nervous. I keep waiting for something to happen. I have had 3 very small spotting episodes but they've been enough to rattle me. I find myself staying away from TheBump because I'm scared to see posts about loss, thinking that it could easily be me. It's weird how a site that provided so much comfort to me during the past year has now become a place that can make me so anxious. I sneak on and off every once in awhile to check on my fav peeps though ... I root for them, even if silently.

We have told our immediate family. Brian's family found out when his Mom opened the onesie that I posted below. "Best Gift Ever" .... perfectly said. We told my family by putting a homemade shirt on our little pup Marley that said "I'm gonna be a big sister". I wish I had a video of the reactions. It was awesome. I'm not ready to tell anyone else just yet.

I'm hoping that we can have an ultrasound soon and I can see a heartbeat. I think then I'll be able to relax. Here in Nova Scotia they don't send you for an ultrasound until 20 weeks (unless you are high risk) ... I can't wait that long. I need to see that little heartbeat so I can relax and begin to truly enjoy this pregnancy and make plans to bring this little one home!

My unexpected birthday gift ...

The day after my 34th birthday I tested and got a BFP :) I find myself reluctant to be overly excited due to our 1st loss but pray every day that this is our sticky baby. With every day that passes, my hopes increase that it is. My thought pattern has been so wonky since my BFP. I don't want to 'jinx' anything. Like the other day, I bought this shirt to announce our pregnancy to the in-laws ....

The mere purchase of the onesie made me worry that we were tempting fate. My husband is more 'live in the moment' and seems to be able to relax a little more than me. I'm trying to adapt some of his laid back attitude. But I still worry everytime I go to the bathroom that I'll see spotting ... like last time.

But for today I am pregnant and I am excited and extremely, extremely thankful.

Sushi woes ...

Who knew there was gluten in soy sauce!!!???? Not me. Whoops ... Looks like I need to find a gluten-free version because I can NOT go without my sushi. The only thing I'm giving up sushi for is a baby!

Day 3 - Gluten Free

It's been 3 days ... and I want a sandwich. And cake for dessert. I forgot how hard this was. Right now I'm missing my morning toast with peanut butter the most. Granola bars ... a close 2nd. I know I can buy gluten free granola bars but they are soooo expensive!!! I will probably cave and purchase some eventually but I'm waiting to speak to a co-worker who has been GF for a long time and see if she can recommend some gluten free products. I know some are better than others.


I did purchase a mix for gluten free bread/pizza dough. I absolutely love, love pizza and I'm hoping the mix will be okay.


A friend of mine also brought over gluten free chocolate chip cookies. Surprisingly yummy! They reminded me of a sugar cookie. I need to break out my camera to take some photos of the products. This photo is from the manufacturer's website ... The company is called El Peto and they are based in Ontario (http://www.elpato.com). I think I'll be purchasing more product from them.

Gluten-free .... me?

I'm signing up ... to go gluten-free that is. I need you to realize how big of a deal this is for me. This girl LOVES her pasta. And her bread. But sometimes in life you have to sacrifice. Let me explain.

I have recently been reading info about gluten sensitivities affecting fertility. I have IBS and eczema. Both are thought to be influenced by gluten. I actually went gluten and dairy free for a summer when I was 23. What a difference. So now I'm wondering if my body needs me to do it again. If my body is in a constant state of inflammation secondary to a gluten sensitivity - then this is not the most welcoming place for a pregnancy to begin and thrive. So to give my body it's best shot - I've decided to try it.

It's going to be tough. I usually start my day off with toast and PB, followed by a granola bar for a 10am snack. I need to completely change my habits. But I'm willing to do anything if it means I will be able to have a baby. Keeping my eye on the prize ;0).

Wish me luck!!! And throw your suggestions my way!

Rain

It has been raining here for 6 days straight. People are getting soaked, streets are flooding, basements are turning into swimming pools. And me? I'm getting depressed.

Struggling with infertility is hard. Often I find myself 'faking it'. And no ... not bedroom related 'faking it' ... but mood 'faking it'. I pretend I'm happy. What else am I supposed to do? Tell people how sad I feel a lot of the time? How i love my life but sometimes feel like there's something missing in my house? I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed .. but there are a lot of days that I am sad. Like today. When the cramps in my stomach are a constant reminder that I am indeed NOT pregnant.

Being sad is okay I think. As long as you can recognize it and not let it engulf you. But to be honest ... I need a little sun in my life to help push the sadness away.